My go-to for dealing with intense situations is humor, which is why I believe that God orchestrated that night in such a way that it would guarantee comedy for me.
My Jesus loves me.
He knows I have to turn my heart aches into comedy in order to deal with them.
He did not fail me.
Everything I wrote in my last post was accurate. I simply omitted certain parts of that night. Parts that I will now share with you in hopes that you will appreciate the humor, as I am now able to do.
In the words of the great Usher Raymond "These are my confessions. If I'm gonna tell it, then I gotta tell it all..."
Yes, it's true, before I coughed up blood that night I had a pretty low-key evening. I did light house work and I ate homemade soup.
Sounds lovely, right?
What I failed to mention is that earlier that day, my coworker, Alison Langston - yes, I'm calling you out because this story wouldn't exist without you - brought me a box of Flaming Hot Cheetos mac n cheese bites to work, because she knows that I love flaming hot Cheetos, and I've never tried these snacks.
In case you're unfamiliar with these, they are exactly how they sound; macaroni and cheese bites that are covered in flaming hot Cheetos, and fried.
I ate 8 of these as an "appetizer" with my soup.
Another important fact to know about me is that I'm lactose intolerant, and I have an incredibly sensitive stomach.
Alison knows this. But I told her that it would be okay for me to eat them that night, because I had no plans to go anywhere (ha!), and Jacob was going to be gone most of the night helping his dad move, so my thinking was that if it did upset my stomach I would be alone in the comfort of my own home, with access to my own bathroom.
About 20 minutes after I ate them my stomach started acting up. I had to use the bathroom immediately. Of course.
Okay, now bear with me with this next part....
For some reason, I happened to notice that my poop looked weird.
So weird, in fact, that I felt I should examine it...but with what?? How do you examine your own poop?
I grabbed a plastic fork from the kitchen.
I have never, ever, NEVER examined my poop before, but for some reason this night of all the nights in my 33 years of life, I chose to do so.
Remember in the last post when I said that I laid in bed and was googling something on my phone right before I started coughing up blood?
The truth is that I was googling images of weird poop to compare it with my own.
THERE. I SAID IT.
Now here is where the comedy comes into this disgusting story.
When I checked into the ER, the nurse and my doctor asked me what I was doing that night - leading up to coughing up blood. *hangs face in shame* I preceded to tell them about my poop; describing it in detail, and shamefully admitting that I dissected it and sifted through it with a plastic fork.
I also admitted this poop story to every cardiologist, intern, nurse, doctor, etc...who came in to speak with me. I thought that maybe there was some correlation between my strange dookie and my coughing up blood.
I was wrong.
You know when you're telling someone a story that you think is relevant and interesting, and midway through you see that slight shift in their pupils, and you realize in that moment that they have no interest whatsoever in what you are telling them? (you actually may have this look in your eyes right now)
That's exactly what happened.
Midway through telling the 7th person my detailed description of my bodily excrement I realized that my poop had NOTHING to do with my coughing up blood, and I was just humiliating myself and making everyone incredibly uncomfortable.
I didn't think that I could embarrass myself any more that night, but God had other plans.
Of course.
My stomach was still feeling gross, and I had the sensation that I will need to use the bathroom again very soon. The doctor told me that they were going to immediately take me into the cath lab. He also told me that I would be awake during the procedure.
I was fine with being awake - mostly because I'm a control freak, and felt more comfortable being conscious so I could watch exactly what they were doing. I did not realize, however, how long the procedure would take.
I attempted to use the bathroom right before we went in, but I couldn't.
When the nurse took me into the room to put on my gown for the procedure I confessed to her the words I had been thinking but dreaded to say aloud.
"I'm so sorry, but I'm probably going to shit on the table during the procedure. I had diarrhea earlier and I'm probably going to have it again"
Luckily, I had met this nurse 2 years prior at a barbeque, and we are Facebook friends, so I felt a little bit more comfortable confessing this to her rather than the doctor. But, as we all know, being Facebook friends with someone that you met once 2 years ago does not make you actual friends, so this confession was still humiliating.
She was very sweet and responded right away with "That's okay. We'll just put extra padding under you. Don't worry, we've seen it all!"
I appreciated her kindness, and her attempt at trying to make me less embarrassed by claiming they've "seen it all"
But I doubt she has ever seen a 33 yr old woman diarrhea on herself in the children's hospital cath lab.
Yes, that's another thing. I was in a children's hospital.
The procedure lasted until 2:30 a.m. and I had to shit the entire time I was laying there.
So, on top of dealing with the fear of massive bleeding, possible lung removal, death, etc...I was also trying to get my mind off of the fact that I had to poop oh, so badly.
During the procedure they went in through an artery right next to my private area. As we all know from basic anatomy, the groin region is in very close proximity to the butt hole. The doctors hands were right there next to my crotch. So close to my butt.
The whole time I just kept praying that I wouldn't shit on his hands.
I farted probably 75 times, and was so thankful that they are required to wear those doctor's masks.
In the end, I did not end up shitting on the table. As I said before, Jesus loves me.
He gave me just enough comedy to temporarily take my mind off of death, and give me a good laugh, without fully destroying my dignity.
After the procedure, the nurse said to me "You must be so tired. I saw you squeezing your eyes tight a few times trying to sleep"
I wanted to tell her "No, m'am. I was squeezing my eyes as tight as I was squeezing my butt cheeks, trying to stop myself from shitting on this table"
But I just responded, "Yes, I'm very tired"
It wasn't a complete lie.
Thats my girl! I laughed sooo hard. Don't worry, I 'll bet everyone has a poop story. I sure do. But not as brave as you to blog it.
ReplyDeleteLove you so much. Xxoxoo