5 years ago, when I was going through the adoption process (it's a long process; the home study alone takes 7 months to a year). During that time I had a lot of doubts.
Doubts that we would even be approved to adopt.
Doubts that if we did get approved that we would never be matched with a child.
Fears that I'm sure all adoptive parents go through.
Going through that long wait, and dealing with that anxiety caused many sleepless nights. I would stay up until 2, sometimes 3 a.m,. and my only solace was to research the hell out of adoption. I'm the type of person who needs tons of details and information to ease my anxiety. The more I can understand something, the less anxious I will be.
I would google adoption blogs and I would read every single one I could find. There was this one woman, who sadly I cannot even remember the name of her or her blog, but her words resonated with me. I bookmarked her blog site, and of all the blogs I read (hundreds!) I always came back to hers.
Towards the end of the home study process when my anxiety was at a high, I was visiting her website nightly, and her words comforted me and gave me hope. Not the kind of foolish hope that believed that everything would definitely work out perfectly, but the kind of hope that made me feel that it was a possibility that things could work out. Hope is about the possibility, not the guarantee. To believe that there is a possibility that things can work out beautifully when all the research and all the signs say it won't. I think it's crucial to hope; to know that there is always a possibility that things can play out the way we want. But, also, you must have faith that no matter the outcome it will be okay. Something beautiful can come from either outcome.
This woman had a song that would play on her blog site. I am not tech savvy and have no clue how to have music play on my web page. But hers did. I wasn't a huge fan of the song. It was a worship song, and I found it to be kind of cheesy, but I grew to love it because I loved this woman's words. It was love by association. Every time I went to her blog and heard those first notes start to play I felt a tiny sliver of peace.
I never hear that song, even when I listen to the Christian radio station.
Well, jump to 5 years later.
This week was an emotionally draining week. It was rough....rougher than rough. I was kind of in a daze and overwhelmed by the magnitude of uncertainty and sadness I felt in certain areas of my life, and I've just been poring into prayer and trying to have hope and faith in the creator of the universe to sort it all out.
Yesterday I was listening to Pandora (a Christian station), I glanced up from doing the dishes and started watching my 3 children playing outside in the backyard, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with joy at the fact that I have 3 children.
And that they were happy.
And they were playing.
And the sun was shining.
And as I'm staring in awe at them, I kid you not, that song started playing on Pandora.
I had not heard it in years. I believe that God speaks in so many ways. And in that moment he spoke through that song, because as soon as those notes started playing my mind flashed back to 5 years ago, standing in my case worker's office to pick up my copy of our home study, which had just been completed.
I remember being so excited to have it finally completed, and I was so ready to meet whatever child God had destined for me.
I asked our case worker "So what is the next step? How soon will we be matched with a child?"
And I will never forget her response, because it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.
She hesitated, then said,
"We really don't like to give time lines. It could take up to 3 years...possibly longer for you... because you and Daniel are not 'ideal candidates' I mean, with your health issues...and the fact that you are young and haven't been married very long...
And to be honest, even if you are matched with a child, you still have to go to committee for that child. After you're chosen you have to go before a committee with the other families that are chosen, and the committee has to choose between you and the other potential adoptive families that are interested in the child. I am working with a family right now who has been waiting 5 years. They've been to committee 3 times and have still not been chosen. So, I wouldn't get my hopes up that things will happen quickly."
It was devastating. I cried in my car. And I cried again in the shower.
And again when Dan got home.
And when I went to bed.
That night I went back to that blog that was bookmarked, read her words, and listened to that song.
When I heard that song yesterday after not hearing it for years, I was flooded with emotion.
I remembered how dark and fearful that time period was for me. But more importantly, I was reminded of the outcome of that situation.
Our home study was complete at the end of December.
We sent an inquiry on the boys the first week of January.
On January 9th we were matched with the boys.
2 months later (middle of March) committee chose us.
We met the boys at the end of March.
We brought them home in April.
We were told it could take YEARS, yet we had our children in our home less than 5 months after the home study was complete.
Yesterday I looked down at Pandora to see the name of the song, and its title is
"Came to My Rescue"
I never knew the title until yesterday, and how perfect is that?
When we are at our lowest points, Satan (the darkness, evil, ego, whatever you want to call the "bad" things of the universe) will convince us that the sadness, or hopelessness, or whatever negative emotion we are currently enduring , he will convince us that it's so much worse than anything we've ever gone through, and we are not capable of escaping it.
It's a lie.
I was reminded of that yesterday.
I have felt hopelessness, sadness, uncertainty, and fear before.
And every damn time, I have overcome it.
There are times that he truly has come to my rescue, and things worked out the way that I hoped, and that gives me hope. I know miracles are possible.
There are times that things did not go the way I hoped, and it was an excruciating struggle to get through it, but, even still, I got through it.
So whatever I'm facing, whatever the outcome, I will get through it.
You have felt hopelessness, sadness, uncertainty, and fear before. And you have overcome it.
God loves to remind us of our darkest moments, so that we can remember that we have been here before. And we overcame it.
That woman whose blog really helped me, she was not a top blogger. She was not popular. She had maybe 5 followers. I have no damn clue how I even found her. Obviously the main reason I wanted to share this story is because it's coming up on the 5 year anniversary of when I met my boys, and I love sharing their adoption story. But another reason is because if my story can bring a tiny sliver of hope or encouragement, to even just one person struggling to find that, then it is worth telling.
