Something More

Continued thoughts from previous blog:

I over think things. I analyze and  then over analyze.  As a child I would ask the same questions over and over again if I didn't understand something.  I remember my Sunday school teacher commenting to my mother that I was very "inquisitive"  And I remember asking my mom what that meant. 

My brother still teases me  "Hey Beck, what does 'amen' mean?"    When I was a child I never quite understood why everyone said amen after a prayer or during a sermon. After the hundreth time of me asking the same question, my mom always got frustrated with me and would just say
"It just means you agree with what we are saying!" 

And I used to always think, That's so dumb.  Obviously I agree or else I would stop the prayer or sermon and ask a question OR tell you I don't agree with what you're saying.  And why in the world would the person saying the prayer or giving the sermon say 'amen' afterwards...isn't that redundant?  Why would they be speaking at all if they didn't agree with what they were going to say?!"  This went on for years.  It never made sense. 

I am "inquisitive" ...but a slow learner at times.  Terrible combination.

As I was trying to wrap my brain around any possible reason for Branson's snowboarding accident and consequent death my mind started reeling.  Why?  Why?  Why?  I felt like a child again, never content with the aswer.  I know that God is real and that he can heal so why did he not do that?  I know that God loves Branson, so why didn't he protect him from the accident? 

Then I started thinking about death in general and it's going to get a little morbid and disturbing at this point, but hear me out.  As I was giving God every possible question  my brain threw at me, he interrupted me and completely ignored all of my questions (yet answered them all at once)
 "Why did you sign Adalee up for death?"  Yes, this was him asking me.  The nerve of him... 

But it did get me thinking.  There are many things we do not know about this life, but there are some definites.

At some point in life everyone will experience at least a few (if not all) of these things:

physical pain, embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, betrayal, shame, rejection, anger, confusion, worthlessness, hopelessness, sorrow, loss, fear, anxiety, illness...etc.  Not just once, but these horrific feelings  and events will happen repeatedly. 

Let me rephrase to get my point across:

Your children...my Adalee... will most likely be completely humiliated , have her heart betrayed, be lied to and lied about, feel worthless, feel used, hopeless, lose people she loves dearly, experience illness, have broken bones/hospitalizations, be so terrified she can't even breathe, feel so emotionally crushed that she won't want to get out of bed. 

These things will happen repeatedly throughout her life.  And then she will die.  It could be of old age (this is what all us parents expect for some odd reason) OR it could be at 2 weeks old, 4  yrs old... 14...22...43... 
It could be from cancer or any number of diseases.  
It could be a car/motorcycle/airplane/train/snowboarding accident in the prime of their life. 
You get the point;  death surrounds us.  

Before having a child we have the experience of life to know exactly what we are throwing them into.  And we all know that ultimately they will experience death.  We don't like to think about it, but it's a done deal. Every single person that my sweet girl comes to love and know and grow close to will eventually die.  I will die.  Adalee will die.  The second I gave birth to her I signed her death certificate.   I told you I get a little morbid.  Forgive me, but it's necessary that we all grasp this.
So after I had this terrifying revelation my next question was: 

Why in the world would anyone have children?!

Because let's be honest here, when your child is crying or hurting or ashamed, and you think to yourself, "I wish I could have stopped this from happening to them"  Guess what?  You could have. But you chose not to by having the child. So we are either the most disgustingly selfish beings on earth OR  we believe there is something more to this life.  Something so beautiful that it's worth all the pain. 

I know we are very, very selfish beings and as much I would love to solve this riddle and  just say that  complete, disgusting selfishness is the final answer, I don't believe it.  I know many people do believe that having children is a completely egotistical and selfish act and I totally understand where someone would draw that conclusion from (clearly... did you not just read the previous paragraphs?)  But personally, after much thinking and questioning, and a very deep evaluation of even the darkest parts of my heart, I believe it's the latter.  There is something more. 

Love  joy  hope  love  excitement  beauty  love   ...Umm, food.  Come on, it's an amazing part of life! 

Even if you wiped out every other enjoyable thing in life and left even just the possibility of love I'd still go through all the pain.  I would. 

My parents didn't know that I was going to be born with heart disease and go through multiple open heart surgeries and have a pacemaker at the age of 8 yrs old.  They didn't know.  True... 


But they sure as hell knew it was a possibility.  And I am so grateful that they took that risk. I am also so grateful that even after having such a messed up child as me they didn't look at each other and say "Man, that was rough.  Let's not take that risk again"  If they had decided that life was too risky I wouldn't have my younger siblings. 

And even if my very weak heart decided to give out tonight I would still have wanted to live this life and endure this pain, because the love I am able to experience and give outweighs everything, even death.  Our parents gave us a chance to experience something beautiful, because they knew that just the possibility of beauty was something worth living for.  That is why we continue to give life, still knowing that death's shadow is lingering near.

And as much as people say that if God does exist he's just a purely selfish entity who created us so that he could be worshiped and adored, while we just suffer and then die, I'm sorry but I just don't believe that to be true.  It is my belief that God would not have allowed mankind to exist right now if there wasn't something more to death.  I believe that this life is not the end.  I believe that the love that we experience here on earth, that same love that I just said over rules death, is only a ridiculously tiny, tiny, tiny  fraction of the love we will experience with our eternal father in the after life. 

People get upset over heaven and hell and question why God would even allow a hell to exist.  It's way too much to get into right now (seeing as this is forever long already) but the way I see it is:
If heaven and hell do exist and God is giving me an option to experience the most wonderful thing this earth has to offer - love  (but magnified by a bajillion... for eternity)  Pssssh, I don't even care what the other choice is.  The fact that I am even given that as an option amazes me and makes me see the goodness of God.